Mr. Handyperson

by Mark Hetts

Mark Hetts is everybody's "Mr. Handyperson." His columns focus mostly on answering specific questions for readers, yet contain more than just "helpful hints." Hetts' answers are enhanced by his frequent addition of well-told tales or enlightening thoughts from both the consumer and personal world.

Samples

WANTED: SECURITY GUARDS FOR BACKYARD GARDEN IN THE CITY

Dear Readers: Mr. HandyPerson is off consulting with a Hollywood screenwriter about a movie based on his life (called "Everything Breaks"). Mark A. Hetts is filling in him this week with one of his tales.

---

I've got my little garden in for this summer in San Francisco, pretty much. Lettuce, basil, parsley, dill, four varieties of tomatoes and kohlrabi, a nostalgic gesture to my childhood in Wisconsin.

The backyard's arranged with the already existing shrubs, trees and perennials, along with my vegetables in beds and containers, so that a good portion of the yard remains semiwild, with lots of native plants and volunteers (i.e., weeds) to help attract bees, birds and butterflies. Lavender, California poppies, and many flowering shrubs and weeds bring honeybees and bumblebees, three kinds of hummingbirds, butterflies, and other kinds of bugs and critters -- some helpful, some maybe less so. The bird feeder also brings in a stunning selection of birds, including wild, feral parrots. It's a jungle out there in the middle of this densely urban place surrounded by 7 million people, and it is both miraculous and delightful for me. Mostly.

Not all the visitors are as welcome as the bees and hummingbirds. Squirrels, jays, crows, raccoons, occasional rats, and neighbors' irritatingly free-roaming cats pose problems. They steal tomatoes, uproot or eat tender shoots, dig holes in pots and beds, and sometimes use the garden as a toilet.

I resort to all kinds of things to mitigate the damage and salvage a few edible things out there. I've planted many more tomatoes than we could possibly eat so that there will be enough (with luck) to share with the squirrels, jays and crows. I have small rocks placed around most vegetables to prevent the squirrels, jays and cats from digging up the roots and to discourage the cats' bathroom activities. I am ever vigilant, peering out the windows over the backyard so I can chase off cats, pigeons, squirrels, jays and crows when they show up. I've been getting good things to eat the last two years and am already harvesting lettuce and herbs this year. So with effort, this strategy has been working.

But it occurred to me recently that when I was a kid working with my four siblings in our huge vegetable garden, orchard, grape arbors and berry patch (Depression-era parents -- couldn't help themselves -- and we were quite poor, though I never realized it until I was an adult), that we were in the actual country. And in addition to all the visitors I have now in the city, we had deer, skunks, gophers, ground squirrels, muskrats, field mice, opossums, foxes, stray dogs and an occasional bear. Yet I never recall any extraordinary efforts to keep critters away from the garden or the fruit trees. We never even put up a scarecrow.

What we had was one remarkable dog, Lady, a border collie/malamute mix and, for many years, three of her adult puppies. Lady was a consummate puppy-trainer, training every new batch of puppies (14 years in a row) not to dig around the house and garden, not to chase the neighbors' chickens, cows or sheep, how to hunt rabbits and squirrels (and avoid raccoons and skunks), and to go off into the woods for toilet needs so that, unlike life in the city, I never saw dog poop in my childhood.

So to make my life easier now, I realized, all I need are a few very smart, well-trained outdoor dogs to post guard on our small backyard. They would need city licenses, a lot of training, interaction and affection, food, veterinary care, at least twice a day walking on a leash. And somehow, I would need to make sure they didn't bark too much at critters and keep the neighbors awake (and irritable). They'd also need to get along well with the four cats. Simple, hmmm?

I adore dogs and miss having them in my life more directly, and must depend, pathetically, on borrowing "dog time" from strangers in the park where we walk and bird-watch. But for the garden, it would be simpler (maybe even cheaper) to hire security guards to keep the squirrels and birds away from the veggies.

So I plant many extra tomatoes, use rocks as ground cover, and have gotten used to opening up the windows, yelling, and then lobbing tennis balls at critters in my garden. This generally works and has the added advantage of providing some rich entertainment for the immediate neighbors. Everybody wins.

---

COPYRIGHT 2009 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE

^ Top | View more samples